guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
