I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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