I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I need a burrito and a hug.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize