I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
