When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
