i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize