I'm sorry my penis didn't work
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
