That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Randomize