I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
