Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
farters have to be the big spoon...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
