saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
