The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
