I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
