I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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