so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
But break dance skills will only take you so far
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
