yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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