Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize