1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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