You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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