I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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