Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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