I accidentally had phone sex last night
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
