I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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