i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
