Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Someone shattered a urinal.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
