I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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