Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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