Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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