My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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