just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
