Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
