And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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