I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
