The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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