theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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