a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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