The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
