I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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