We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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