sorry about calling you the devil all night.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
