Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize