my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
