who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
