he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
