Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Randomize
