I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
