I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
