I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
