We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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