i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
