Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
