my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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