i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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