Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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