so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
