"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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